I don’t intend to write my last blog post in this year. I don’t want to finish my year with such post. I am writing it just for the sake of writing. Like in good old days of my old blog when I just went on and on about my day to day ups and downs. I’ve tried to write couple of posts, but I always leave them in the draft box. I guess it’s just not worth reading anyways. 

But I am bit lost of words. Or on the contrary. Have words in mind that crave to be expressed but there is no one to hear them out. I don’t really know. I don’t think I understand myself very well or it might be cuz I am just on holidays and have plenty of time to goof off and ponder. 

Music is the savior as always. Expressing what I feel instead of me. Helping me to see that sometimes I feel love and trust and it’s being turned into anger and disgust…Pain increasing every day, no truth left I won’t betray… Time passing slowly and the lesson that I am being taught… the one I didn’t need. 

Then the song of betrayal comes around. About a woman who isn’t dark enough to see his light, the one not too bold to take him on…asking him whether he feels like he belongs, if she drives him wild or just mildly free…. raising a question: “What about me?” and another one before the first one could possibly be answered… whether he feels alive without me. If so, be free, if not, leave her for me. Cuz I am tired of these games for three. 

And then, there are my 9 crimes… the ones that turn to no. twelve, if I count well… in the space for light hearted in the boom that beats our drum.  It has been a small crime for what I have no excuse, the one that keeps me going through these days of emptiness. And the seagulls are crying, but the souls will forever be flying. 

And then my heart just stopped. Stopped caring for anyone. The hollow in my chest dried up and I stopped believing. We only have ourselves to blame for everything. No answers in the dust, and I am missing him so much. There is a love that flows between us, ever-changing every day.. And he left me in the rain again… but no rain can wash away my tears, no wind can soothe my pain, he made me doubt, he made me fear…but now I am not the same. 

Cuz I had a life to give, many dreams to live… don’t you know that we’re losing so much this time? Beyond these waves, I can be free while all the others are praying. The love in you, it does not burn, there is no lesson you can learn, and there are sounds you’ll never hear, there are feelings you’ll never feel. 

Promises almost kept, everything that you once said, seems to be just a lie, but might is right… And then you’ll discover this is no dream…life is as real as it seems… And if someone says : “they have to pay the toll!” don’t believe it at all… 

The most confusing post ever. But the artists understand. The songs are heaven I’ll never get into. Cuz I am the devil in disguise. And if it’s just a game what we’re crying for.

For those colors that will never be perceived…

to be born into… As Lawrence Ferlinghetti wrote in his poem, which is one of my favorites. The irony that he presents is playful as life itself and very much in the style of my own sense of humor. 

Anyways, if you don’t ask, you don’t get. But that doesn’t apply to the question why I wrote such weird blog post a day ago. I simply had a feeling and released it. In few hours, I was more or less okay. In general, I am not PMSing, I am not having a teenage angst, I just can’t find the balance therefore it bothers me and I don’t feel that my soul is here with me. It probably got stuck in the song of yesterdays and I won’t put too much pressure to find an appropriate place for it. 

Also, I intended to write a blog post finally about something else than love. I got inspired by my favorite magazine Adbusters but since love itself bothers me every single second to the extent that I can’t concentrate on anything else, I will write about love again. 

And once again, I will mention my long lost best friend Kristina, who said yesterday that “In a love relationship of two, there is always one that loves more than the other”. I didn’t argue with her. But what a stupid cliche. Who is to have a right to measure love? 

Love, happiness, sadness and pain are feelings that can’t be measured. This sentence doesn’t need any explanation. I started to write a few examples but it speaks for itself. I am just tired of this cliched world. I need to leave where I am right now, haunted by thoughts that make me a frenzy and surrounded by people whom I don’t understand and don’t want to listen. 

“It’s partly true, too, but it isn’t all true. People always think something’s all true.  - Holden C., The Catcher in the Rye”

Anyways, I found the truth in some old poetries of mine, which I don’t really feel like sharing or even naming “poetry”. ”Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.” ~ Leonard Cohen 

I cannot stay in denial
but I keep persuading myself of
inconvenient truth.
So let’s pour a glass of
pure french vermouth 
and enjoy the roller-coaster on trial.

So once you’re up and once you’re down
Once you swim and once you drown
Once he’s father and once he’s clown

…Beautiful tree to dead wood…

Once you’re happy then you cry
Once you hug him then say bye
Once you agree then you deny
Once you’re brave then you’re shy

…Dead wood to fire…

This night he’s your lover, another just a friend
This night you feel him, another just pretend
This night is the start, another will be the end
This night you have money, another you’ll spend
This night you see, another can’t comprehend

…Flames to cinders…

Marriages and divorces
White and black horses

Red wine and juice
Flattery and excuse

Scent and stench
Dry and drench

And you’re getting fed up with the ride
but darling, this roller-coaster glide
will never stop

So once he makes a song for you
She has no idea but you’ve got a clue

…cinder to ash…

Yeah, it’s like the roller-coaster ride
we’re all learning to enjoy

And it’s exactly two years ago since this… 

Summer is over, what have you learned?

Bright colors are gone, wind’s returned

Your secret smile remains,

happiness and love still flow in your veins. 

Baby girl died few months ago, her voice got lost.

Mature woman was waken up, it cost this man a lot. 

Her young soul hasn’t been bruised by the harsh world yet

he’s put his protective wings upon her silhouette.

She keeps this secret in return for his love.

It leaves no questions, it’s 100% and pure

it’s what love is supposed to be, it’s their cure.

Cure in this cancered world…

I am not sure where this is supposed to go. My head aches and my eyes are red. I feel really sick even though this day had been great until I found something that forced me to be a total pessimist about my contemporary luck in life. Shit… happens. 

The thing that shit happens is a well-known fact. So I’ll rather share my vision of something else. 

I spoke with my good friend Kristina who is recently after breakup with her boyfriend after three years. Actually, it makes a difference to say that he has broken up with her cuz he cheated on her. She used to be my best friend before the two of them got together but I always understood perfectly well why she chose to be 100% of time with him and didn’t devote even an evening to me. I didn’t mind. Or better said, throughout those years I got used to it and found better friends, who could split the time between their loves and friends. And there’s also a saying that “There is nothing more painful than seeing someone you love loving someone else. But there is nothing more rewarding than seeing two people you love loving each other”. ~ J.H. Li” So I’d always been happy that she was.

These days, I am with her. I am a friend, indeed. Even though I promised myself long time ago that I am not going to be there for her when they break up once because she wasn’t there when I needed her badly. And she never understood any of my relationships. Not that important now, really. The essential thing is that we are friends and share our opinions. And once again in my life, after those three long years, I have a feeling that she actually listens to what I say. 

And since I am freshly in love like never before, it is what we mainly talk about. She gets back to a time when she was in love, how beautiful it has been during the first year, how beautiful was their second year and how everything started to fade once they almost reached their third. From what I heard, I made a conclusion… 

Possession. This is what happens after you get used to something. After some time when you think it’s yours, when you have a feeling that it belongs to you now. Take art, for example. If you get to the stage when you can write a good song, your talent may be threatened. You may write 10 great ones and then fall into a trap of conventional style of writing the self same songs. Simply because you think you own your talent by that time. You start to posses beauty in a way that is obvious rather than exploring her deepest secrets. Take any art as an example. Take cooking of the same meal over ages. Take love. 

And here is where we get to my point. My life’s philosophy in the spheres of love. First rule is “never take away any personal freedoms from the person you love”. It speaks for itself but I’l just add that I was born with certain amount of trust but I have also learned in life that most of the people (either men or women) are physiologically incapable of fidelity. Thank you, Frida, for that. That doesn’t mean I trust less, it means that I am at peace with that no matter how strange that sounds. 

But second, equally important rule, is trying not to posses beauty in any form. I don’t want my relationship to grow through petals of love to mundane days of telling each other “Do this. Do that. Why don’t you do this. Why did you do that. Where are you going to do this. When will you do that. Don’t say that.” If two people are together, no matter what age difference is between them, they are equal. They love each other equally and they should always look on the bright side when dealing with things. There are always things that piss us off about people, even about people we truly love. But that doesn’t give us right to present our vision of them so strongly that it ruins the relationship in the end. 

I know I am kinda writing about simple things in a complicated, maybe even vague way. I am not even shedding a new light onto this. It is just my perspective. It might be something that I ought to share only with my loving one. But on the other hand I wanted you to ponder for a while whether you haven’t started to coordinate your love. 

I’m writing it also for myself. To make this thought tangible. To remember it if I’m ever about to fall into such scheme of leading somebody in a direction that isn’t natural for him. Our spouse is never a child to be raised. I don’t ever want to focus on my boyfriend/husband’s flaws but on his strengths. And I will require the same. Freedom and freedom to be what I really am. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he/she really is.

So that’s why these days I don’t put any pressure. I have never been a “pushy” person. Because of that I am slowly beginning to understand what two guests from the hotel I was working in told me. Despite their distorted republican political views I enjoyed talking to them and shared a small piece about my personal life. And they gave me an advice to be selfish. I told them I am never going to be that. Instead of saying goodbye when they were leaving I yelled “But I’ll never be selfish”. The reply was “We’re telling you – be.” 

But well, I’d rather be hurt like tonight than hurt somebody else or push things to happen quicker that simply take time. I am gonna be patient. Love is the only “thing” for which I have patience. With everything else, I am impatient. 

I’ll let the dove of peace sleep now. Goodnight.