This has always been a song that is relevant to my life. But listening to it today, I realized it is more relevant than ever. I will miss much. But I guess it is time to turn the page… 

Had a northern lad
Well not exactly had
He moved like the sunset
God who painted that
First he love my accent
How his knees could bend
I thought we’d be ok
Me and my molasses
But I feel someting is wrong
But I feel this cake just isn’t done
Don’t say that you Don’t 
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you’ve got to know
When it’s time to turn the page
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain
He don’t show much these days
It’s gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places
But I can’t go there anymore
“you’ve changed like sugar cane”
Says me northern lad
I guess you go too far
When pianos try to be guitars
I feel the west in you 
And I feel it falling apart too
Don’t say that you Don’t
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you’ve got to know
When it’s time to turn the page
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain

~ Tori Amos, Northern Lad

My first official post in the year of 2009 has found its theme. Nostalgia. It was brought to me by Dave Gahan (lead singer of Depeche Mode) and his song Nostalgia made for the project titled “Mirror”.

Depeche Mode surely have perfect lyrics. This song is one of them. Besides lyrics, I am adding the text on the Mirror webpage since I find it intriguing. 

When you see MIRROR, MIRROR entertains you. No One wants to hurt you anymore. This feeling of wonderment at your own memories, so akin to melancholy, is it’s gift to you. And then it doesn’t hurt anymore.
These days there are so many ways to hurt. The bees are leaving and I think I know why. Memories are lighter than air. Floating past this atmosphere, just as we will. Try and remember how you loved the crisp air on a clear fall day. We are following you into your own memory. And there is something there that wants to hurt you. Let it out. Let it breathe awhile.

NOSTALGIA 
As a thirst becomes a sickness 
And desire is all you feel 
A photograph that made us laugh 
Now your skin has such a thickness 
That you can’t tell what is real 
Anymore 
It’s a feeling like nostalgia 
Keeps me turning back to you 
And a feeling like nostalgia 
For the dreams that we once knew 
If you’re feeling like 
What we were feeling is through 
Why do I feel nostalgia? 
Why do I feel nostalgia? 
Like you 
We were running to the future 
When we fell into the past 
A memory 
When our lives seemed full of promise 
Oh, but good things never last 
It seems to me 
It’s a feeling like nostalgia 
Keeps me turning back to you 
And a feeling like nostalgia 
For the dreams that we once knew 
If you’re feeling like 
What we were feeling is through 
Why do I feel nostalgia? 
Why do I feel nostalgia? 
Like you 
If you’re feeling like 
What we were feeling is through 
Why do I feel nostalgia? 
Why do I feel nostalgia? 
Like you

I don’t intend to write my last blog post in this year. I don’t want to finish my year with such post. I am writing it just for the sake of writing. Like in good old days of my old blog when I just went on and on about my day to day ups and downs. I’ve tried to write couple of posts, but I always leave them in the draft box. I guess it’s just not worth reading anyways. 

But I am bit lost of words. Or on the contrary. Have words in mind that crave to be expressed but there is no one to hear them out. I don’t really know. I don’t think I understand myself very well or it might be cuz I am just on holidays and have plenty of time to goof off and ponder. 

Music is the savior as always. Expressing what I feel instead of me. Helping me to see that sometimes I feel love and trust and it’s being turned into anger and disgust…Pain increasing every day, no truth left I won’t betray… Time passing slowly and the lesson that I am being taught… the one I didn’t need. 

Then the song of betrayal comes around. About a woman who isn’t dark enough to see his light, the one not too bold to take him on…asking him whether he feels like he belongs, if she drives him wild or just mildly free…. raising a question: “What about me?” and another one before the first one could possibly be answered… whether he feels alive without me. If so, be free, if not, leave her for me. Cuz I am tired of these games for three. 

And then, there are my 9 crimes… the ones that turn to no. twelve, if I count well… in the space for light hearted in the boom that beats our drum.  It has been a small crime for what I have no excuse, the one that keeps me going through these days of emptiness. And the seagulls are crying, but the souls will forever be flying. 

And then my heart just stopped. Stopped caring for anyone. The hollow in my chest dried up and I stopped believing. We only have ourselves to blame for everything. No answers in the dust, and I am missing him so much. There is a love that flows between us, ever-changing every day.. And he left me in the rain again… but no rain can wash away my tears, no wind can soothe my pain, he made me doubt, he made me fear…but now I am not the same. 

Cuz I had a life to give, many dreams to live… don’t you know that we’re losing so much this time? Beyond these waves, I can be free while all the others are praying. The love in you, it does not burn, there is no lesson you can learn, and there are sounds you’ll never hear, there are feelings you’ll never feel. 

Promises almost kept, everything that you once said, seems to be just a lie, but might is right… And then you’ll discover this is no dream…life is as real as it seems… And if someone says : “they have to pay the toll!” don’t believe it at all… 

The most confusing post ever. But the artists understand. The songs are heaven I’ll never get into. Cuz I am the devil in disguise. And if it’s just a game what we’re crying for.

For those colors that will never be perceived…