I am coming up with new documentary that will probably be never made elsewhere than in my mind. Nonetheless I feel like sharing the idea. 

The idea came to me now even though I’ve always wandered around the topic. I am tidying up my bedroom (surprisingly) other than quickly doing my laundry (so I can see the other bed under the pile of the clothes) and cleaning the carpet from the notebooks, bags, cables etc. 

Since I know now that in 200 days this place will no longer be filled with my soul, just memories that I will leave here I am throwing away things that once meant to me much but throughout years they lost its importance. I wish I could get rid of more useless things but I am sure the time will come. Once I am away, I don’t really feel like leaving some things here. I’d rather take them with me or throw them to never be found. 

And because I threw away some things to the bin today, the idea of bizarre documentary came to me. I’d like to shoot one day how much a person can learn about a complete stranger through their litter. I don’t mean groceries. It could be quite disgusting and not exciting at all. But how many personal things people throw away in their bins of bedrooms? Do you ever tear the paper of your bank account? Personal letter? Your address and name? I always do it. Wherever is my name when I throw it away I need to tear it to thousand pieces so that nobody could read it again. 

But I don’t do it with everything. What if somebody found my bin right now? He would find the script from my Prom when I performed some of our teachers; he would find posters of Johnny Depp which have been destroyed due to years of hanging on the wall; he would find the leaflet from theme park Drayton Manor in Bristol and therefore knew that I might have visited it; he would know what is my favorite chocolate and how much I have eaten of it through those several days; he would know what clothes I bought their price and the brand; which mineral water I had this week; which cosmetics I use; which antibiotics I used the last time; 

Kind of scary isn’t it? Have you ever wondered where it all ends up? If it is somehow recycled by somebody or if there is some weirdo who would be interested in this? Or whether it is thrown away into landfills and left till it rots and searched only by cheerleaders in public bins (Cheerleaders: named by my best friend: creatures that occur in Slovakia, mainly gypsies, who search what people throw away with interest to find some clothes or anything they can reuse; cheerleaders because they always have a long stick to search the contains of containers. :D btw. I have respect for them. At least it’s a way of recycling.) 

How bizarre it is? How much you’d be interested in such thing?

Those who know bits of general knowledge about psychoanalysis might have noticed what I meant by words “Id” and “Superego”. There is also one more, in between and that is “Ego”. It makes a lot of sense to me, for a very long time, what Freud meant by these three components and I decided to give it a go and write about these, since I feel it’s quite relevant to me and my life these days. 

First a little theory on the subject by Sigmund Freud. The components I mentioned above need to be well-balanced in order to have good amount of psychological energy available and to have reasonable mental health.

The Id stands for “it”. It functions in the irrational and emotional part of the mind. 
The Ego stands for “I”. It functions with the rational part of the mind. 
The Superego stands for “Over-I”. It might be called the moral part of the mind. 

Freud held that there is a constant tension between man and his surroundings. In particular, a tension—or conflict—between his drives and needs and the demands of society. It is no exaggeration to say that Freud discovered human drives. Simply put, our actions are not always guided by reason. Man is not really such a rational creature as the eighteenth-century rationalists liked to think. Irrational impulses often determine what we think, what we dream, and what we do. Such irrational impulses can be an expression of basic drives or needs. The human sexual drive, for example, is just as basic as the baby’s instinct to suckle.

When we come into the world, we live out our physical and mental needs quite directly and unashamedly. If we do not get milk, we cry, or maybe we cry if we have a wet diaper. We also give direct expression to our desire for physical contact and body warmth. Freud called this ‘pleasure principle’ in us the id. As newborn babies we are hardly anything but id. We carry the id, or pleasure principle, with us into adulthood and throughout life. But gradually we learn to regulate our desires and adjust to our surroundings. We learn to regulate the pleasure principle in relation to the ‘reality principle.’ In Freud’s terms, we develop an ego which has this regulative function. Even though we want or need something, we cannot just lie down and scream until we get what we want or need. Can we? 

And what about superego? From infancy we are constantly faced with the moral demands of our parents and of society. When we do anything wrong, our parents say ‘Don’t do that!’ or ‘Naughty naughty, that’s bad!’ Even when we are grown up, we retain the echo of such moral demands and judgments. It seems as though the world’s moral expectations have become part of us. Freud called this the superego.

So while I was reading about these components again, I linked them with my present state of mind and also with my dreams. First of all, I don’t know why Superego inside of me is not as developed as in other people. That’s why some people might find my thoughts intriguing. I am open to say “this turns me on” I am open to various experiences and risks that life is offering. It might be the “fault” of my mother who is psychologist and maybe unwittingly she knew what she was doing when I was young. My short life has been silly really having experiences that people with developed Superego will never have and they will never taste the uniqueness, bliss and simple perfection. 

Freud also made me think about dreams. Freud determined that all dreams are wish fulfillments. This is clearly observable in children, he said. They dream about ice cream and cherries. But in adults, the wishes that are to be fulfilled in dreams are disguised. That is because even when we sleep, censorship is at work on what we will permit ourselves. And although this censorship, or repression mechanism, is considerably weaker when we are asleep than when we are awake, it is still strong enough to cause our dreams to distort the wishes we cannot acknowledge.

It has been around 2 and half years since I stopped having dreams regularly. I do think I have them, as everybody does, but I do not remember them at all. They occur occasionally but those are just minutes. For some time I thought it was because I was living in a dream called reality. I am becoming to understand, though, that it isn’t the theory of living in a dream but the theory of not letting repress some thoughts and memories. I am an open minded person in every sense, sometimes to the extent when it hurts. Me, or somebody else. My current state of mind will force me to try a little experiment. And I am curious about the results. 

Until it happens I will play around with my ID. And try to chase the “Ego” inside of me, the adult part of my mind. Cuz you cannot have what you imagine, just what is. And what is, just is. And yeah, I am back, with plenty things to comment on.

To move onto my second project. Second English project. Movie project. More specifically, documentary feature. This time, it’s going to work. 

I bought miniDV camcorder Canon MD160 last summer in Bristol. I wanted a good camcorder and I was advised to buy MidiDV. It wasn’t really a great idea but it’s not that bad. Apart from that, this camcorder is very good among MiniDVs. 

Anyway, I wanted to buy it from my first salary in England last year and start making a music video. Since couple of things were unexpected, I wasn’t able to buy it until August I think. However until August my idea of music video was very detailed and ready to be shot. My two friends were ready to roll on the ground, I had two black balloons with questionmarks ready and few scenes were shot. Everything was ready for me to cut it, once I had this Mac at home.

My project failed in the end. When I came back home to Slovakia, I wasn’t inspired anymore and it went on from there to the state of total uncreativeness. I crossed the border between being in love with the song to preferring other songs to listen instead. 

But I am moving on. My second project *is* going to work this time. I am ready. Britain is ready. Britain needs this. In fact, I need this too. 

So… The main topic is simple. It is something that anybody in Britain – British or foreigners experience in their day to day life. Intolerance. Racism. Disparagement.

I am trying to come up with few names for this documentary so if anything is on your mind while I finally explain what this documentary will be about, give me a shout. 

Maybe it will be something like RID (Racism. Intolerance. Disparagement.) 

rid (as in “rid”) v. : relieve from; “Rid the the house of pests”  

rid (as in “quit(p)”) adj. : (usually followed by `of’) released from something onerous (especially an obligation or duty);

The working title “RID” will be about all those Eastern European like Polish, Slovaks, Czechs who live here and work here. I want to visit places like car washing/maintenance, hotels, fast foods, buildings being built and all those jobs that are somehow physical or quite hard job positions. You get the idea, I guess. Even though mine is still vague but I know I want this. 

I want simple things to get from these places and people. I want to ask: 

1.) foreigners: if they have experienced some kind of racism against *white* people, that means themselves; (especially Polish… also Slovaks and Czechs cuz British can’t really tell which is which) and how they feel about it.

2.) Ask their managers how Eastern European are as workers compared with British and see how many of managers are also Eastern European (Cuz usually managing positions are to be held by British)

3.) Ask foreigners if they even plan to stay here cuz sooner or later the situation in our own countries will get better and there will be no need for us to travel far away from our friends and families to work in disrespectful positions for no dignity and appreciation from British people. 

4.) Ask managers/bosses/owners what would they do, if all the foreigners (or majority) decided to leave – what is most likely to happen in next few years. Whether they have British people trained for these positions in large numbers; Or whether some British will ever be a kitchen porter for the money that we receive. 

As simple as that. I want authenticity. I want truth. I want to see what will come out of that. I want it amateur. It will boost the authenticity. I want nice stories and I also want to hear reality. I want to hear from British people that our culture suck. I want to hear that it was just too much for them and they just started to hate them because it became normal for Polish and the rest of us to own the country. To be part of it. I want to hear how much does this has to do with European Union. I want to know how this is going to end. From people, to people. 

And maybe, in the end, Britain will eventually get RID of us. This is also my last summer working in the labour prison hotels for few more bucks than at home. Don’t get me wrong, I like Britain (not the accent though) and I like most of the British more than Slovaks. British are calm, nice and all smiley. They are at peace. I guess except the new generation. But the question is, really, what will they do without us?