Whatever is going to happen in next few days, weeks, months, hopefully years and decades… I just want to remember one thing: 

“a successful relationship is one that is ok with all the imperfections. it isn’t whether you have messy times…you always will. it is how you handle things together”

So simple, understandable…yet  somehow and sometimes difficult to achieve.

I know we’ve distanced a bit. I know you are disappointed due to all the promises. I miss our days spent with endless chattering that made sense. I miss everything we shared together. I miss our Seattle’. I miss all the words of wisdom that only you can offer. I resent the whole world, especially myself, for making this happen. I hope life will help to cross our paths again. I miss you greatly, Elizabeth. 

“We change, because life changes and formes us. We feel further or closer to some people, we lose and find, we forget and remember, we cry and laugh, and we’re sometimes not making any sense at all, like me right now, but that is not important, because even if you are broken by life and that sound, broken by moon and the sun, it is only temporary. It can go on for days, months or years, but it will go away one day. Remember what I told you, denial postpones that day and don’t ask questions, because answers come only when you do not ask. Time, speed of sound, new beginnings, new people, new losses, new songs and new birds flying over your house. The way the flowers grow, the way the leaves fall off tress in Fall, the way the snow haunts us. The way the smell of coffee spreads through your house in the morning…that is how the situation will be solved.

Friendship, a true undenying friendship, means the world to me, and I wish I could be like a real friend and help, be there physically, but I can’t. I want to pick you up and dust off your jacket, I want to offer you my helping hand. Since I can’t, let me at least offer you my words, sympathy, love. Let me thank you for discovering new things about myself, even if the situation doesn’t concern me at all. 

At the end of every night, a new Sun comes up.

I am with you.” – 12th August 2006

Remember? And then you’ve given me one of the most touching songs. Northern Lad by Tori Amos. You’ve helped me through my denial. These days I am free of any denial. If I feel something, I confess it. Because you taught me that denials were never a way to go out of this shit. 

Thank you for everything. You mean the world to me. Thank you for the lover’s clock poem. It comes to me very often forming few tears in my eyes and “You love it you hate it”, too. I love you so much, Eli and I am sorry. 

Had a northern lad
well not exactly had
he moved like the sunset
god who painted that -
first he loved my accent
how his knees could bend
I thought we’d be ok
me and my molasses
But I feel something is wrong
But I feel the cake just isn’t done
Don’t say that you Don’t
and if you could see me now
said if you could see me now
girls you’ve got to know
when it’s time to turn the page
when you’re only wet
because of the rain
he don’t show much these days
it gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places
but I can’t go anymore
“you change like sugar cane”
says my northern lad
I guess you go too far
when pianos try to be guitars
I feel the west in you
and I feel it falling apart too
Don’t say that you Don’t
and if you could see me now
said if you could see me now
girls you’ve got to know
when it’s time to turn the pagewhen you’re only wet
because of the rain
when you’re only wet
because of the rain…”

I was told a long time ago to keep my mind focused on one idea: “stress is living too much in the future or in the past. In the present, you are capable of any situation that arises.”

Why do I feel that I am really getting stressed at this very point cuz I can’t handle the present situations? 

I am only trying to stay strong, because I know this is just the beginning. It’s gonna be worse. I am very glad that I had such tough experiences in Bristol, especially with managing, cuz this is gonna be pretty much the same. Not to mention the work around Prom. 

Anyway, wish me luck. I have a long night ahead of me. I promised myself that if I give in to the desire to go to sleep before everything is done, I won’t go to Bristol in 10 days. Kinda good motivation to stay up and finish everything. 

Anyway, just to cheer me up:

“dreams can come true with bravery and a ridiculous amount of work”

“that’s just how life is…you think, oh my god, this is it…I’m in trouble. and nothing happens”

“it won’t stop. You will have challenges…but success in life is how well you respond to the hard things! You have to see opportunity in everything. Losing a job, a friend…whatever. You have to somehow think about what you can gain from it”

“I’m proud of you”

“the thing is…there’s nothing for you to feel regret about….everything that happened in your past has made you the indescribably beautiful creature you are! I mean I would like for some things to be better for you…but I selfishly wouldn’t want to change it…cuz that would change you! :) in the long-run, you’re better off the way you are. you have the right attitude for a very successful life. you will always be ok because you will depend only on yourself…some people wouldn’t be as strong in your position but you are… even people with rich dads or whatever…they have it great sometimes but then things can change…dad dies or whatever. but you’ll always be ok”

“You should believe in yourself for no other reason than for who you are.”

“yes but you have had fewer influences to corrupt you. Those will come and you will have to fight them. The real trick is to learn to do what you have to do in a practical sense without losing that voice of truth within you. I think you already do that…but life is long and this can be difficult.”

“I believe in you. I worship you and believe in you and….”

“Lenka you have to find a way not to waste your potential in life. You are so brilliant. You can’t waste your life waiting on ignorant people in restaurants. There’s nothing wrong with that but for you I think it is wrong. I hate this system for making you do that. For not seeing your potential. So many stupid fucking people get so many opportunities. I don’t want to make you hate where you are right now, but it is wrong.”

“the thing is…everything you need to be the best person you can be is already inside of you. as long as you don’t listen to harmful influences and listen to your heart.”

“I don’t doubt you for a second.” 

“…..but a spark that is untamed can burn the whole fucking world and, not to be overly dramatic, but if I had to bet on one person to have her impact on the world, I’d bet on you. That’s no pressure…just seems that way from where I’m sitting.. Your unique voice is starting to shine through” 

“I just wanted to say that you are fucking brilliant”

 

This fucking helped. I didn’t even think so at first place. All that and more. I am not sure whether I deserved that but I’ll keep all that in my mind forever. It is something that I will always appreciate above all. Thank you. 

You’re not a song I would ever forget
you’re the piece of art that makes me wet
you’re the untold story of two fragile lips
you melt into my unwritten scripts.

You’re not the song that I would ever regret
you’re the question-mark balloon that I won’t let
your body moves to me closer each day
with each naughty thought I love to play

You’re the song I will always remember
when I die old and weak in the bleak september
I will feel your young body teaching me to moan and shake
I will feel how it used to be, the beautiful next morning ache

You are the song I’ll always keep singing
I know I don’t have to be clinging
But you’re the song that comes back
with each live concert and few tracks

~ written on 2nd April 2008… I need you in my song.

I can’t seem to get some sleep so maybe when I let out few feelings and burdens out of me, I am gonna be more at peace. It’s very difficult for me to write; for one thing – that my eyes are too full of tears to see the keyboard and the second thing is that lately I can’t really distinguish what is appropriate to share online and what is not. I sometimes forget that it’s my personal life *and* my official weblog and these two things shouldn’t melt too much. You simply never know who can use that to their advantage. 

Next thing is, that I’ve lost the inspiration to write. I don’t know how these few latest posts sounded to you guys, but to me… this is no longer Lenka Bliss as she used to write. Nonetheless, things that are happening in my life are consistent with me as a person because whether somebody likes it or not – I’ve just changed so much. 

I’m crying, tonight, because I simply feel like crying. I am going through a very happy period of my life… But everybody hurts sometimes… and everybody cries. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I am also crying cuz once again in my life I feel very alone. I am tired of this to tell you the truth. It is not a first time that I received a huge gift on Christmas that was taken from me on New Year’s Eve. That’s just a metaphor. And yes, I am talking about love. It’s elusive, I guess. Elusive exactly like all the other beautiful things like friendship, soulmates, bliss, joy, or passion.. Soulmates part with a wave of a hand… bliss doesn’t last forever… friends change… passion evaporates… I know it’s a roller-coasters of life. Oh how many posts I have written about that, right? 

I just think that I’ll always be alone. It seems like that from the place where I am lying; on the floor in our bedroom that is 2,5 meters x 2,5 meters big. How am I supposed to believe in something else? 

Anyway, as far as my new manager’s post… Well, for those who didn’t notice: I’ve been covering the position of bar manager in 4* hotel in Bristol while our bar manager is on holidays. I shall not even start writing how it goes… cuz of course it sucks. Whole thing is slipping through my fingers, makes me even more impatient, nervous and stressed. These two weeks are going to be, without doubt, almost the worst ones from whole summer in UK. (Yeah, nothing is that bad as the first weeks here in Bristol.. but still) 

I knew it was going to be like that and I wish I refused this “wonderful offer”. Will I ever need this for my CV? Of course not. I don’t want to see hotel unless I stay there as a guest. I’ve done my 4 years around hotel management, either in practice or just at school. I am heading for my last and that’s it. Goodbye. 

I am being very negative I know. But that’s me. I guess I am always only two ways. Extremely great, or optimist; or extremely sad, or pessimist.

I don’t know what to do really. I don’t feel like ending this post cuz I don’t feel any better. I also know that these days will sooner or later be over and I’ll be back home with my friends and everything is gonna be alright. I also know that I’ll be more than happy to come back here soon to be with him. But the present situation is killing me from within.  

There are no more words left… only tears to let out. Goodnight. I’ll be okay soon. Sorry for being a drama queen and thanks for reading…

So, if you want something
And you call, call
Then’ll come running
To fight, and I’ll be at your door
When there’s something worth running for

When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it
When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to stop it

You see, you’re just like everyone
When the shit falls all you want to do is run away
And hide all by yourself
When you’re far from me, there’s nothing else

- Glen Hansard, When your mind’s made up

I woke up today with a strange feeling. It must be the reason of yesterday which was also, taken as a whole, really strange somehow.

I opened my mac today, as always, it is the first thing I do in the morning, even before I go to pee. Call me an addict and you’ll be right, I guess. As soon as I opened it, my lovely classmates started to write me. One after another. They were having a computer lesson so they were stuck on the internet instead of listening what the teacher was saying. They all asked how I was, to which I replied not so cheerfully that I was doing fine. It made me smile and also sad when I imagined them all sitting one next to the other in front of different computers and all of them wrote similar things like they miss me much and cheering me up and everything. These situations make it clear that they are my true friends. And I am sorry that I ever was skeptical about them. 

Yesterday I spent three hours walking to east-jesus nowhere. I was supposed to pick a bike at one place in a different neighborhood. But I got lost due to some roundabout and there were moments that I really wished I had been dead. I had the map but there were no people on this small path, it seemed that I am on some highway and I didn’t know where I was going. I never felt so helpless I guess. I wanted to go back home, but being so far away, I decided to push a bit more and endure it. No words of someone else could ever do the justice as this experience did to me. Getting successfully towards the end and getting my bike was one of the biggest fulfillment. An essential lesson from life, no matter how silly that might sound to you. 

Also a situation like this reminded me that even though I have friends, there are moments when I am completely alone. And we are rarely proud when we are alone. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Next couple of days are gonna be tough, the bicycle experience was just the beginning.