Well on this bleak March cold day I was left with a couple of slaps in the face – metaphorically. First came in the morning, the second one in the afternoon. I am not superstitious at all but leaving my block of flats this morning, I saw a black cat sitting just right in the front of  the entrance door.  She gave me a long stare, I hesitated if I can actually go on, she got scared, I did, too. And so we carefully avoided each other from not so far distance and left for the day. I took it as a kind of bad sign since I had been on my way to take some blood tests and I am a terrible hemophobic. 

What happened today isn’t important at all. What I want to say is just that when we allow ourselves to care about something or someone far too much then we become more vulnerable, fragile and sad I guess. We are not disappointed by the final effect of the thing we care about. The great disappointment only comes when we expect, however we are somehow left in an unpleasant condition. 

So today leaves me with a question whether just fuck everything and don’t care or whether to continue to fight for our emotions, relationships, moral investments, goals and determinations. Whether to continue to invest any emotional energy into anything at all. 

If we can free ourselves from caring, any possible failure can be taken positively. We know it’s not the end of the world. But for me today, two little worlds have faded away, reminding me that not every day can be full of colors but some days are black as the cat I saw this morning. 

None of what happened today had some terrible impact on my life. Not at present, not in the future. But I cried or to be more precise tears were streaming down my face constantly and now I feel emptied and freed from the things I’d deeply cared about. 

Words cannot even describe what’s going on inside me right now. But I remember the words of my best friend Elizabeth who is a great support as always that “At the end of every night, a new Sun comes up.” Though today was not the case, Sun is coming up just now around 6PM. Maybe I woke up to a wrong time along with the cat. 

Eventually, the question what we should care about or what we should take as it is regardlessly, is simple to answer. At least to me, at this very point. The only thing we really do need to continue to care about is love. Cuz there isn’t anybody in this world who accepts you as you are, cares about you deeply too, loves you unconditionally and supports you; other than your best friend – love of your life. The rest of the crew can disappoint, make us fragile and sad, except my dear Elizabeth and Lubka. Cheers to these three people in my life. You are the only thing that *really* matters. The rest are just the details. 

I noticed something interesting these days. I guess more than ever, people around me like to remember their past, the pleasant things we went through, certain time periods or friends that we once were close to.

First I thought it was only about me. I, very often, sort through old memories. It’s not like I live in the past, but my life has given me some very interesting experiences that are always worth remembering. There’s much to admire about my past and much to learn from, still.

Also facebook brings so much nostalgia these days. It’s getting really popular in Slovakia now and so lots of old friends I haven’t seen for ages are adding me or in reverse. I mentioned here my style of keeping friends. Over ages I’ve come close with large groups of people yet in the end I always stay in touch with few of them. But you know facebook, everybody is adding as many friends as they can. I select through them and delete them as well. It’s funny how you simply can discard some friend from your life. I deleted all the fake friends from Bristol. They were all just spies anyways.

So not only I am now remembering the childish times on Hogwarts RPG webpage in Slovakia with my friends but also talking after so many years with my best friend from childhood Nina. There were so many things I forgot that I remember now when talking to her but never remembered before.

I guess it’s just some remembering season. We have last 114 days at school and the pressure is just too much so that we’re skipping school at every occasion we get (like I did today). We’re supposed to concentrate on present situations but we need to remember all the things that school put us through so we’re being very nostalgic.

As far as my personal life I don’t cry anymore over the fact that I’ve changed. I know once I am away from Slovakia and have plenty of time for myself, to educate myself, to entertain myself and read lots of interesting things – I’ll be back in all my glory LOL :D It’s just too hard to be so in awe with everything when all you have time for is procrastinating or studying, or better yet resolving the issues with your loving one.

So he’s also the case why I look back, not to a distant past but certainly thinking over how things would be different if we could change the past.

I went through my old poems and wrote few new ones. The old ones are really crap though those few new ones are okay. I wish I could post them but they are either full of rage or about an inappropriate subject. Besides, I really meant what I said that I have to somehow censor myself because one person enjoys being bitch she definitely is and I am awaiting her to step at my precious blog for the first time very soon. We’ll see though. Her intelligence isn’t something you could possibly see. But that’s whole different story.

I am going to sort through old memories of summer long ago and the friend that I used to know…and there’s his face and that ancient name that ancient name :)

So, if you want something
And you call, call
Then’ll come running
To fight, and I’ll be at your door
When there’s something worth running for

When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it
When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to stop it

You see, you’re just like everyone
When the shit falls all you want to do is run away
And hide all by yourself
When you’re far from me, there’s nothing else

- Glen Hansard, When your mind’s made up

I woke up today with a strange feeling. It must be the reason of yesterday which was also, taken as a whole, really strange somehow.

I opened my mac today, as always, it is the first thing I do in the morning, even before I go to pee. Call me an addict and you’ll be right, I guess. As soon as I opened it, my lovely classmates started to write me. One after another. They were having a computer lesson so they were stuck on the internet instead of listening what the teacher was saying. They all asked how I was, to which I replied not so cheerfully that I was doing fine. It made me smile and also sad when I imagined them all sitting one next to the other in front of different computers and all of them wrote similar things like they miss me much and cheering me up and everything. These situations make it clear that they are my true friends. And I am sorry that I ever was skeptical about them. 

Yesterday I spent three hours walking to east-jesus nowhere. I was supposed to pick a bike at one place in a different neighborhood. But I got lost due to some roundabout and there were moments that I really wished I had been dead. I had the map but there were no people on this small path, it seemed that I am on some highway and I didn’t know where I was going. I never felt so helpless I guess. I wanted to go back home, but being so far away, I decided to push a bit more and endure it. No words of someone else could ever do the justice as this experience did to me. Getting successfully towards the end and getting my bike was one of the biggest fulfillment. An essential lesson from life, no matter how silly that might sound to you. 

Also a situation like this reminded me that even though I have friends, there are moments when I am completely alone. And we are rarely proud when we are alone. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Next couple of days are gonna be tough, the bicycle experience was just the beginning.