Well, I woke up with a strange thought to write a blog post – recap. Something that was always more natural than strange. In late 2009, it got to a stage of being unnatural. Like writing isn’t something that I can do.

I know certain things come, disappear, re-emerge and fade and some things, like the year of 2009 will never come again. There’s no place for it between these stages, like there is for my writing right now.

When it comes to thinking about 12 months in 2009 I’m getting confused. I can’t clearly say how it was. Generally I have the feeling it just sucked. But is it really true or do we people just like to be negative?

Right in the beginning of January, I had strength to change my life again. New Year’s Eve, unlike any other, gave me sparkle for the rest of the year and hope in beautiful friendship that can last forever. The wish under fireworks that night came true and is still lasting, shining its way into my heart and giving me smile everytime everybody else took it away.

Few days later, I still had fate in my hands. I guess we always do, we just don’t make radical decisions every moment. The love was stronger than my personality, and it stayed like that until today. I’ve decided to give my heart to one person and let it destroy in hope it would be treated well. So far, it hasn’t been destroyed just hurt few times and healed again.

Then came splendid months of school. Last months of high school in my life. Months of closeness with my friends Lubka and Gulia and many other. Time when I was a big slacker even though I tried so hard not to be. Months of torture, loving someone while not being able to breathe his happiness or sadness.

I survived them, with unlucky ending that put myself on the floor. Graduation didn’t work out and all I could be happy about was that my friend Gulia was pregnant and I could finally start spending lifetime with my loving one every day.

We left my world there. With all memories, loves, friends and tortures. We left the place I never called home, yet I do now. Long months of work, English, slavery taught me what home is. And also made clear that I’m never going to spend much time there. Home is now package of all those beautiful things I’ve known for 20 years, it’s the package I’d choose over going to some beautiful island during summer. It’s there I’ll always crave the go most.

Then I had moments of months when I wanted to go back to school which I did, at least online. Moments of being at home like school child, without any work, being dependent on “mum’s” money like I haven’t been for a long time. Card turned in the end and I have found myself in a strange place. Strange but very well known and I got quite satisfying job for my age.

I’m doing quite well in what I do, like I always did. I am a good employee, good wife, good cook, good willing partner all in all.

In 12 months I became all of that. From school slacker to best brain at work, from girlfriend to cooking/cleaning/caring wife, from terrible cook to really good one, from stubborn having-always-right-and-being-stubborn-partner to willing partner who can say sorry even if she’s not supposed to.

I’ve changed a lot and it wasn’t a crisis that brought change. It was my life’s decision that I respect as much as I respect my childhood dreams which I hope to reach once as well.

I believe there’s time for everything in our lives. Being adult means having less time but we need to become good managers of our own moments. Cuz after all, all you need to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.

Thanks guys for all your support in 2009 and happy new year of 2010 :)

I’m slightly drunk in the moment so as always, I might not be very consistent with what I am saying. It seems my life got finally sorted, yet I feel it’s more fucked up than ever. I just don’t want it this way. I crave to be somewhere else having different sorts of problems now.

So yeah, they just had fun. Last sex ever. Cigarette and talk things over. And I am supposed to be okay with that. I won’t. I am drama queen in the end.

I just want to go home and never come back. But no matter how much I complain, in the end, I am just saying yes to life itself. Cuz shit happens. So does life….

I don’t even know how to start. It’s not gonna be meaningful. My life is no more meaningful. I am struggling. And nobody is trying to help.

It seems everybody know what I should be doing. And when someone says “you should” I am doing the opposite. I am seriously brokenhearted by this life. How could I possibly try to “stand tall” when everytime I fall and try to get up even a best friend comes and tell me to take a seat.

I can’t help myself thinking that people try to push me to certain decisions. It’s not the expectations of greatness like it used to be…it’s just the “should do” attitude without motivating me somehow.

I am just so ashamed of what I have become. All the magic is gone and I can’t escape it. I can’t believe in myself anymore – I have no reasons. Past is gone and the memories are only painful now. Memories of person that once did something. Even though it was just a beginning of seizing my full potential.

The closest persons on Earth seems the most distant. I feel alone, inconsistent and childish… and as I always knew, it was only our decision of how we feel, how what attitude we have…

I just want to scream it out of me…cry it out and hope that tomorrow a NEW SUN WILL COME UP. But it just doesn’t.

There isn’t a single person now who I could do this all for. So I stay where I am. It’s not worth for me to even try…

They are what I crave for the most. In my life, I have reached many things. And my journey has only begun. But something has been missing. Friendship without expectations, sharing love, ideas. Connecting with each other by the simplest touches… Listening, laughing and even shedding tears… getting touched by art… Candles blown and their smell… truth in the red wine…

For one tiny moment, I’d love to feel all of that again. I will never let it go from my memory. Cuz until I remember it, it is all real.

And when these dreams are fast asleep, well you still have my soul to keep… and wherever you go, I’ll be there…

Long time ago I was taught that to have any kind of expectation is wrong. It’s hard to live up to somebody’s expectations. Especially in love. Love is about accepting someone for who they are…without expectations. I used to be a person whose imagination created expectations which would be impossible for any man to meet. I was a dreamer.

But when I learned the principles of love long time ago, I was freed from expectations. It’s not that you lose your vision of how something “should” be. It’s that you are open to possibilities and you do not put any pressure on certain people/things.

I am now undergoing an online study by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A place where I always wanted to study because great Noam Chomsky is teaching there. First I chose economy but failing to understand higher levels of Math, I chose Philosophy&Linguistics and I am about to choose one more area of studies.

Because of these various lectures I am back to finding myself, acquiring the strength of Bliss in me and trying to do something with all the potential that still is inside of me.

I just wanted to write simple thing, actually. That expectations have good side. In a lecture provided by MIT I read that “Studies suggest that if a math teacher believes that the girls in his class cannot do math as well as the boys, this seems have the effect that the girls do worse. PEOPLE TEND TO FULFILL THE EXPECTATIONS THAT OTHERS HAVE OF THEM.”

That would eventually explain few things in my life right now. To a certain period I had lived an ordinary life until somebody came a started to believe in me. Support was 24/7 and it had an additional effect that I was fulfilling the invisible expectations to become more and more satisfied with myself and also satisfy people who supported me along the way. From one day to another those people almost weren’t possible to count. So I continued to lead a successful life.

It’s nonetheless true that I was a teenager. Things back then were so easy to do. The best thing of all was that I didn’t necessarily *needed* to do any of these things; I simply *wanted* to.

Life has changed since then. So many people who believed in me and supported me are slowly making step after step away from me. Together with them I make those backwards steps with a thought that there should be only one person now who stands by my side and fully supports me.

Indeed, I have this person. Yet there isn’t always the exact support I would expect and most of all, there are many things I simply have to do without a choice. It highly demotivates me but still I am trying to get back to my old ways.

I wish somebody still expected great things from me and bet on me as the only person who is worth to bet on in this world. It has always been a pleasant feeling, now a memory.