Songs were written for you, they’ll never be about you

Tonight I do feel like getting back to writing. Getting back to who I am at the core. It has been a long journey. I struggled here and there. Adult life’s no easy.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time… I feel like the best time of my life is over, whatever comes now will only be less of what I’ve known. Like in the end I’ll look back on my life and that blur will be the only thing I’ll see. It has been truth since the very beginning, yet it’s now when I truly realizes it’s reality.

I miss everything I had in my life. I miss my friends, school, days spent learning about life or nothing at all, writing, dreaming, listening and just being. I wish I could still be seventeen…world was my oyster… nothing mattered.

Normalcy hit me these days. I cook, wash, iron, take care of myself and do whatever the masculine part of this room wants. I am neglected, I am adored… it’s just a roller coaster. I can be sure just as I cannot be.

I just miss certain things more than ever. You have no idea. The touches that fulfill. The sounds that heal the soul. After three years, I feel brokenhearted today. Brokenhearted  by life itself. That things in life are never the way you want them to.

I want to learn from the old me. As quickly as I have grown up I have become a child again. There are moments when I feel this is the life I want to lead, and there are moments when I want to escape.

Tonight, I would choose an escape. With no head turning back to closing doors but running towards the new ones. Doors to a big world where my potential is fulfilled. In this world I need to find the way to seize my potential and I am damn struggling. I feel so empty.

I am ruining so many beautiful things in life and the only thing I am happy for is that in the past there were times when I knew where to say stop and cared about not ruining something truly beautiful.

But beauty has different colors and I was explained differently. I probably regret it but want to fight till it makes some sense so that I don’t feel bad for destroying the beauty shared by two people.

I just fucking wanna cry. I need you so much… Please tell me everything’s gonna be the same again once…

~ by Lenka Bliss on October 9, 2009.