Long lost days
I am supposed to be studying really. I am having the biggest written exam of my life tomorrow and I am not even bit worried.
But I can’t help myself. I have to write for a while. I am reading my old posts. Something I haven’t done in a long time. I’ve got to February archive only to posts that were moved from my old livejournal blog. First the blog post about my sister had me crying cuz I just love her so much. And even though I would write such post differently today, I realize how true that all is and how pure love between me and my two siblings is. They are my only family really.
Then when I read this in another blog post, I completely burst out with tears:
“Where will I be? Where will the news come to? Will I endlessly care about me and my life and me and my happiness? What do I really want?”
The sad thing is that I still haven’t figured out any of these questions. The good thing is that insecurities fade, as we go. I learned that in April last year and will never forget. But thinking about this, I should know. And I am nowhere near getting the answers yet…
My answer back then was simple “I want to fucking feel. I want to fucking be there for someone. Instead of this, I’ve been making the Grand Plans for my life.” I did achieve this. I am fed up with myself, though. I’ll never be satisfied in life because I’ll always demand more. It doesn’t have to be essentially a bad thing but sometimes I should just learn to shut up and enjoy what I have.
Very very nice!
“I’ll never be satisfied in life because I’ll always demand more.”
A so the eternal search continues … and why is this so? I have felt like this most of my life as well … without really knowing wot it is i actually ‘demand’ … but ‘more’ is a good description *lol* … i have given up on looking for the ‘truth’ as when i think i have found it, it simply morphs into a different form tricking me into chasing after it again.
Good Lenka!! … that u will not allow mediocrity to satisfy UuU … accept that as a healthy frame and just go with the flow.
*smile*
J
Thank you :)) Yeah, what I name “more” is also vague to me :D In the same way when I name everything “things” :D
but sometimes it’s great to constantly chase after “more”. In that way we’re at least the mountain climbers who climb one mountain and see another one from that perspective that they want to climb. Most of the people, like Glen Hansard sings, just “talk and talk forever and they just never climb” :) I’ll do my best never stop climbing :)