It’s always our decision

I don’t even know how to start. It’s not gonna be meaningful. My life is no more meaningful. I am struggling. And nobody is trying to help.

It seems everybody know what I should be doing. And when someone says “you should” I am doing the opposite. I am seriously brokenhearted by this life. How could I possibly try to “stand tall” when everytime I fall and try to get up even a best friend comes and tell me to take a seat.

I can’t help myself thinking that people try to push me to certain decisions. It’s not the expectations of greatness like it used to be…it’s just the “should do” attitude without motivating me somehow.

I am just so ashamed of what I have become. All the magic is gone and I can’t escape it. I can’t believe in myself anymore – I have no reasons. Past is gone and the memories are only painful now. Memories of person that once did something. Even though it was just a beginning of seizing my full potential.

The closest persons on Earth seems the most distant. I feel alone, inconsistent and childish… and as I always knew, it was only our decision of how we feel, how what attitude we have…

I just want to scream it out of me…cry it out and hope that tomorrow a NEW SUN WILL COME UP. But it just doesn’t.

There isn’t a single person now who I could do this all for. So I stay where I am. It’s not worth for me to even try…

Stolen moments of bliss

They are what I crave for the most. In my life, I have reached many things. And my journey has only begun. But something has been missing. Friendship without expectations, sharing love, ideas. Connecting with each other by the simplest touches… Listening, laughing and even shedding tears… getting touched by art… Candles blown and their smell… truth in the red wine…

For one tiny moment, I’d love to feel all of that again. I will never let it go from my memory. Cuz until I remember it, it is all real.

And when these dreams are fast asleep, well you still have my soul to keep… and wherever you go, I’ll be there…

Expectations

Long time ago I was taught that to have any kind of expectation is wrong. It’s hard to live up to somebody’s expectations. Especially in love. Love is about accepting someone for who they are…without expectations. I used to be a person whose imagination created expectations which would be impossible for any man to meet. I was a dreamer.

But when I learned the principles of love long time ago, I was freed from expectations. It’s not that you lose your vision of how something “should” be. It’s that you are open to possibilities and you do not put any pressure on certain people/things.

I am now undergoing an online study by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A place where I always wanted to study because great Noam Chomsky is teaching there. First I chose economy but failing to understand higher levels of Math, I chose Philosophy&Linguistics and I am about to choose one more area of studies.

Because of these various lectures I am back to finding myself, acquiring the strength of Bliss in me and trying to do something with all the potential that still is inside of me.

I just wanted to write simple thing, actually. That expectations have good side. In a lecture provided by MIT I read that “Studies suggest that if a math teacher believes that the girls in his class cannot do math as well as the boys, this seems have the effect that the girls do worse. PEOPLE TEND TO FULFILL THE EXPECTATIONS THAT OTHERS HAVE OF THEM.”

That would eventually explain few things in my life right now. To a certain period I had lived an ordinary life until somebody came a started to believe in me. Support was 24/7 and it had an additional effect that I was fulfilling the invisible expectations to become more and more satisfied with myself and also satisfy people who supported me along the way. From one day to another those people almost weren’t possible to count. So I continued to lead a successful life.

It’s nonetheless true that I was a teenager. Things back then were so easy to do. The best thing of all was that I didn’t necessarily *needed* to do any of these things; I simply *wanted* to.

Life has changed since then. So many people who believed in me and supported me are slowly making step after step away from me. Together with them I make those backwards steps with a thought that there should be only one person now who stands by my side and fully supports me.

Indeed, I have this person. Yet there isn’t always the exact support I would expect and most of all, there are many things I simply have to do without a choice. It highly demotivates me but still I am trying to get back to my old ways.

I wish somebody still expected great things from me and bet on me as the only person who is worth to bet on in this world. It has always been a pleasant feeling, now a memory.

Songs were written for you, they’ll never be about you

Tonight I do feel like getting back to writing. Getting back to who I am at the core. It has been a long journey. I struggled here and there. Adult life’s no easy.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time… I feel like the best time of my life is over, whatever comes now will only be less of what I’ve known. Like in the end I’ll look back on my life and that blur will be the only thing I’ll see. It has been truth since the very beginning, yet it’s now when I truly realizes it’s reality.

I miss everything I had in my life. I miss my friends, school, days spent learning about life or nothing at all, writing, dreaming, listening and just being. I wish I could still be seventeen…world was my oyster… nothing mattered.

Normalcy hit me these days. I cook, wash, iron, take care of myself and do whatever the masculine part of this room wants. I am neglected, I am adored… it’s just a roller coaster. I can be sure just as I cannot be.

I just miss certain things more than ever. You have no idea. The touches that fulfill. The sounds that heal the soul. After three years, I feel brokenhearted today. Brokenhearted  by life itself. That things in life are never the way you want them to.

I want to learn from the old me. As quickly as I have grown up I have become a child again. There are moments when I feel this is the life I want to lead, and there are moments when I want to escape.

Tonight, I would choose an escape. With no head turning back to closing doors but running towards the new ones. Doors to a big world where my potential is fulfilled. In this world I need to find the way to seize my potential and I am damn struggling. I feel so empty.

I am ruining so many beautiful things in life and the only thing I am happy for is that in the past there were times when I knew where to say stop and cared about not ruining something truly beautiful.

But beauty has different colors and I was explained differently. I probably regret it but want to fight till it makes some sense so that I don’t feel bad for destroying the beauty shared by two people.

I just fucking wanna cry. I need you so much… Please tell me everything’s gonna be the same again once…

In a search of new “me”

Well, I wanted to quit this blog for the various reasons but mostly because I got to a point when my readership or potential one forced me to censorship of my thoughts, experiences and stories. So I have another one now running, completely anonymously, what gives me freedom to be myself, especially to feel or not feel. I missed writing much. Through writing I got to know myself better and now when I am so far away from my spaces in between I need to find a replacement. Well, wrong word, I could never find a replacement for that but let’s say I found another fulfillment. 

So if you are interested in my new blog, sent me an email to lenka_bliss@yahoo.com and I’ll send you the link. 

Meanwhile, this is going to be place to share my thoughts as before though less personal subjects. I no longer feel to be exhibitionist Lenka Bliss. I’ve revealed too much. Anyways, what’s gone is gone and there’s no need to be sentimental. Life goes on and I am in a search of new “me”.

Moving…Moving away

I don’t really want to write my post with an anger. I’ll just say that I am forced to move my beloved blog somewhere else where Lenka Bliss exists under secret nickname. I “thank” everybody who fucked up what I created here and pushed the limits of privacy. 

I’ll make everything private here even though I didn’t want to. But there’s no other way. 

In next couple of days and weeks I’ll create a new warm place to share my thoughts and experiences – without censoring myself. 

My blog used to be the best bridge to communicate with myself and few close friends and strangers. But I moved my life to a different stage therefore I am moving my thoughts there, too. I want to write but here it’s no longer possible. 

Thanks everybody who visited, read or share their thoughts with me. If you’d like to follow me, send me an email to: lenka_bliss@yahoo.com and I’ll give you details.

I’ll carry your essence in a place buried deep within me…as long as I live..

Dance me away – 22. 3. 2009 16:20

 

Rain is falling upon my skin

drenched with pain, parched by sin

umbrella not required

the song of rain is desired

 

Dance, dance, dance

me away

chance, chance, chance

let me sway

 

The heaviness of every drop

makes me love you, I can’t stop

For so long, I’ve tried too much

forget about your soaking touch

 

Dance dance dance

me away

chance chance chance

let me sway

 

The lightness of your melody

drums, pianos and melancholy

will forever remain

rain is falling, I feel no pain

That’s the thing, sweety

Whatever is going to happen in next few days, weeks, months, hopefully years and decades… I just want to remember one thing: 

“a successful relationship is one that is ok with all the imperfections. it isn’t whether you have messy times…you always will. it is how you handle things together”

So simple, understandable…yet  somehow and sometimes difficult to achieve.

Standing on the edge

I am balancing on the verge of serious collapse. It’s kind of tough what I am undergoing these days, yet it’s nothing compared to problems of those around me. But being a drama queen – I kinda have enough of this. 

Normally, I would blind myself with pessimism if I didn’t find something to motivate me. And that is precisely what has motivated me each and every summer – to make a music video. 

This time, I think I am sober about my ideas and will do a simple music video, release it under a different nickname and do what I should have done years ago – promote something that is worth promoting. 

It’s not gonna be an easy way to do it but I really want to. Other than that, I not only want to be a perfect partner but most of all I need to concentrate on studying, growing and deciding what to do with my potential next. Cuz people, I just want to fight for my dreams even though I cannot name any of them tonight.

My Northern Lad

This has always been a song that is relevant to my life. But listening to it today, I realized it is more relevant than ever. I will miss much. But I guess it is time to turn the page… 

Had a northern lad
Well not exactly had
He moved like the sunset
God who painted that
First he love my accent
How his knees could bend
I thought we’d be ok
Me and my molasses
But I feel someting is wrong
But I feel this cake just isn’t done
Don’t say that you Don’t 
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you’ve got to know
When it’s time to turn the page
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain
He don’t show much these days
It’s gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places
But I can’t go there anymore
“you’ve changed like sugar cane”
Says me northern lad
I guess you go too far
When pianos try to be guitars
I feel the west in you 
And I feel it falling apart too
Don’t say that you Don’t
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you’ve got to know
When it’s time to turn the page
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain

~ Tori Amos, Northern Lad