In a search of new “me”

Well, I wanted to quit this blog for the various reasons but mostly because I got to a point when my readership or potential one forced me to censorship of my thoughts, experiences and stories. So I have another one now running, completely anonymously, what gives me freedom to be myself, especially to feel or not feel. I missed writing much. Through writing I got to know myself better and now when I am so far away from my spaces in between I need to find a replacement. Well, wrong word, I could never find a replacement for that but let’s say I found another fulfillment. 

So if you are interested in my new blog, sent me an email to lenka_bliss@yahoo.com and I’ll send you the link. 

Meanwhile, this is going to be place to share my thoughts as before though less personal subjects. I no longer feel to be exhibitionist Lenka Bliss. I’ve revealed too much. Anyways, what’s gone is gone and there’s no need to be sentimental. Life goes on and I am in a search of new “me”.

Moving…Moving away

I don’t really want to write my post with an anger. I’ll just say that I am forced to move my beloved blog somewhere else where Lenka Bliss exists under secret nickname. I “thank” everybody who fucked up what I created here and pushed the limits of privacy. 

I’ll make everything private here even though I didn’t want to. But there’s no other way. 

In next couple of days and weeks I’ll create a new warm place to share my thoughts and experiences – without censoring myself. 

My blog used to be the best bridge to communicate with myself and few close friends and strangers. But I moved my life to a different stage therefore I am moving my thoughts there, too. I want to write but here it’s no longer possible. 

Thanks everybody who visited, read or share their thoughts with me. If you’d like to follow me, send me an email to: lenka_bliss@yahoo.com and I’ll give you details.

I’ll carry your essence in a place buried deep within me…as long as I live..

Dance me away – 22. 3. 2009 16:20

 

Rain is falling upon my skin

drenched with pain, parched by sin

umbrella not required

the song of rain is desired

 

Dance, dance, dance

me away

chance, chance, chance

let me sway

 

The heaviness of every drop

makes me love you, I can’t stop

For so long, I’ve tried too much

forget about your soaking touch

 

Dance dance dance

me away

chance chance chance

let me sway

 

The lightness of your melody

drums, pianos and melancholy

will forever remain

rain is falling, I feel no pain

That’s the thing, sweety

Whatever is going to happen in next few days, weeks, months, hopefully years and decades… I just want to remember one thing: 

“a successful relationship is one that is ok with all the imperfections. it isn’t whether you have messy times…you always will. it is how you handle things together”

So simple, understandable…yet  somehow and sometimes difficult to achieve.

Standing on the edge

I am balancing on the verge of serious collapse. It’s kind of tough what I am undergoing these days, yet it’s nothing compared to problems of those around me. But being a drama queen – I kinda have enough of this. 

Normally, I would blind myself with pessimism if I didn’t find something to motivate me. And that is precisely what has motivated me each and every summer – to make a music video. 

This time, I think I am sober about my ideas and will do a simple music video, release it under a different nickname and do what I should have done years ago – promote something that is worth promoting. 

It’s not gonna be an easy way to do it but I really want to. Other than that, I not only want to be a perfect partner but most of all I need to concentrate on studying, growing and deciding what to do with my potential next. Cuz people, I just want to fight for my dreams even though I cannot name any of them tonight.

My Northern Lad

This has always been a song that is relevant to my life. But listening to it today, I realized it is more relevant than ever. I will miss much. But I guess it is time to turn the page… 

Had a northern lad
Well not exactly had
He moved like the sunset
God who painted that
First he love my accent
How his knees could bend
I thought we’d be ok
Me and my molasses
But I feel someting is wrong
But I feel this cake just isn’t done
Don’t say that you Don’t 
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you’ve got to know
When it’s time to turn the page
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain
He don’t show much these days
It’s gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places
But I can’t go there anymore
“you’ve changed like sugar cane”
Says me northern lad
I guess you go too far
When pianos try to be guitars
I feel the west in you 
And I feel it falling apart too
Don’t say that you Don’t
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you’ve got to know
When it’s time to turn the page
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain
When you’re only wet
Because of the rain

~ Tori Amos, Northern Lad

When we allow ourselves to care

Well on this bleak March cold day I was left with a couple of slaps in the face – metaphorically. First came in the morning, the second one in the afternoon. I am not superstitious at all but leaving my block of flats this morning, I saw a black cat sitting just right in the front of  the entrance door.  She gave me a long stare, I hesitated if I can actually go on, she got scared, I did, too. And so we carefully avoided each other from not so far distance and left for the day. I took it as a kind of bad sign since I had been on my way to take some blood tests and I am a terrible hemophobic. 

What happened today isn’t important at all. What I want to say is just that when we allow ourselves to care about something or someone far too much then we become more vulnerable, fragile and sad I guess. We are not disappointed by the final effect of the thing we care about. The great disappointment only comes when we expect, however we are somehow left in an unpleasant condition. 

So today leaves me with a question whether just fuck everything and don’t care or whether to continue to fight for our emotions, relationships, moral investments, goals and determinations. Whether to continue to invest any emotional energy into anything at all. 

If we can free ourselves from caring, any possible failure can be taken positively. We know it’s not the end of the world. But for me today, two little worlds have faded away, reminding me that not every day can be full of colors but some days are black as the cat I saw this morning. 

None of what happened today had some terrible impact on my life. Not at present, not in the future. But I cried or to be more precise tears were streaming down my face constantly and now I feel emptied and freed from the things I’d deeply cared about. 

Words cannot even describe what’s going on inside me right now. But I remember the words of my best friend Elizabeth who is a great support as always that “At the end of every night, a new Sun comes up.” Though today was not the case, Sun is coming up just now around 6PM. Maybe I woke up to a wrong time along with the cat. 

Eventually, the question what we should care about or what we should take as it is regardlessly, is simple to answer. At least to me, at this very point. The only thing we really do need to continue to care about is love. Cuz there isn’t anybody in this world who accepts you as you are, cares about you deeply too, loves you unconditionally and supports you; other than your best friend – love of your life. The rest of the crew can disappoint, make us fragile and sad, except my dear Elizabeth and Lubka. Cheers to these three people in my life. You are the only thing that *really* matters. The rest are just the details. 

What is it that we are chasing?

I’ve been indoctrinated with yet another beautiful thought. This time by Glen Hansard, leader of the Frames, brilliant Irish musician that I had a chance to see live before he and Marketa became world famous because of brilliant movie Once. Don’t get me wrong, I met him before he was really famous but I guess there’s nothing that changed him since then. 

On a Bonnaroo festival he said and interesting thing during his performance of the song “Happiness”. He basically said that “coolest people he ever met are either kids or old people. Kids don’t give a fuck yet, old people don’t give a fuck anymore”. 

And he’s precisely right. People in between, like me, just give too much fuck about everything even when it’s not needed. The most open-minded people are somehow restricted to be what they are for the simple reason of being judged by close-minded. I know few people who dress differently, have different opinions, and simple don’t give a fuck. But it’s very hard to meet them among generations. 

The worst kind of thing that can happen is that the limits will be pushed further. Young kids will start to care for little too much as they already do and also old people. 

I guess it’s just not right. What are we chasing for? For the cool? Cool is what is unique and independent. If my cool is worn, sung, said or lived then it’s not cool anymore but mundane. 

And why are we chasing after the coolest person we could possibly meet if the one waking up besides us every morning is cool enough? 

I want to say one day, before I get old, that I don’t give a fuck.

A kiss may ruin a human life

Tears stream down your face, when you have someone you can never replace. Well, that shouldn’t make any sense, should it? Why tears when you actually “have it”. (I don’t mean possessing by “having”). 

Relationships aren’t supposed to be easy even though love is actually the simplest and most beautiful thing of all. Why then we struggle for understanding? Why people we don’t even know accept our friendship on some shallow facebook but our loved ones decline our real friendship. I know they don’t really intend to do so but they can’t help it. 

For some time I thought that  when two people fall in love, the love coming from one of them is contagious to the other. But how long does it actually last? Until other negative things interfere.

Love is either madness or nothing at all. It is beautiful but pain flows from it too. And while intimate moments, thoughts and ideas can easily flow from a beautiful friendship, pain does not. That’s why I always put friendship above all. 

I don’t want to say more on this subject. It is plagiarism anyways. These ideas are stolen even though life is teaching me them every day. And I wish I was such a good student at school. At least these days. 

Anyways. I just want to say that authentic love gives this life meaning. 

I could be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. I could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, I’d have to let it go. But what am I doing to think it’s not right?

Long lost days

I am supposed to be studying really. I am having the biggest written exam of my life tomorrow and I am not even bit worried.

But I can’t help myself. I have to write for a while. I am reading my old posts. Something I haven’t done in a long time. I’ve got to February archive only to posts that were moved from my old livejournal blog. First the blog post about my sister had me crying cuz I just love her so much. And even though I would write such post differently today, I realize how true that all is and how pure love between me and my two siblings is. They are my only family really. 

Then when I read this in another blog post, I completely burst out with tears: 

“Where will I be? Where will the news come to? Will I endlessly care about me and my life and me and my happiness? What do I really want?” 

The sad thing is that I still haven’t figured out any of these questions. The good thing is that insecurities fade, as we go. I learned that in April last year and will never forget. But thinking about this, I should know. And I am nowhere near getting the answers yet… 

My answer back then was simple “I want to fucking feel. I want to fucking be there for someone. Instead of this, I’ve been making the Grand Plans for my life.” I did achieve this. I am fed up with myself, though. I’ll never be satisfied in life because I’ll always demand more. It doesn’t have to be essentially a bad thing but sometimes I should just learn to shut up and enjoy what I have.